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<!DOCTYPE html>
<html lang="en">
<head>
<style>
body {
text-align: center;
margin: auto;
color: #d9d8dc;
background-color: #120c0e;
padding: 13px;
}
hr {
border-color: #eb99a1;
}
a {
text-decoration: none;
color: #eb99a1;
}
a:visited {
color: #e26f7a;
}
div.title {
display: block;
margin-left: auto;
margin-right: auto;
}
div.body {
position: relative;
top: 20%;
}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<audio autoplay loop>
<source src="">
</audio>
<header>
<center>
<div class="title">
<a href="index.html"><h1>Bojab Website</h1></a>
<p>Simple as frick.</p>
<a href="/">I Am</a> /
<a href="/">Loving</a> /
<a href="/">Again</a>
</div>
</center>
</header>
<div class="body">
<h1 style="color:white"><small><small>I use this page to post about my feelings. Like the blog page, but more personal and without timestamps. Thats why I'm making it on the "hidden" page.</small></small></h1>
</div><hr>
<p> GodDAMN is this shit hard to edit on mobile.
Fix your shit neocities!! And no, I didn't forget, I'm here now, right? I only remembered 20 minutes after bedtime, so I'm not gonna write anything other than that I remembered, but I remembered!
<nl>
I'm shitting at work so I'll make it quick.I just wanted to write here. that's it. I wanna work on my website again but have fuck all for ideas, so I'm just writing this here as a placeholder until I'm off work to write more, except this placeholder will stay here, I'm not gonna remove it. might edit it or add more, but it's gonna stay here :). if I write more, it'll probably be above this, just without the line to show that I've stopped writing. so if you're reading this, um, it probably looks like I wrote it after whats above. so uh, cool? idk I'm trailing on now. like i said, I'm shitting at work, so... yeah, lets see if i write more later or if I forgot.
<hr>
<p> To clear up my own conscious a little, Mal has cut all contact with me and has since around April 2024, and I saw Faith at a concert the other day and she gave me back my n3ds LMFAO, but other than that we haven't been talking since probably january and I haven't seen her since new years. Still doesn't make me feel any better about coming here to write specifically about my feelings towards other people, it's crammed and gross, and without timestamps it feels like I just wrote it yesterday and makes everything worse. So I wrote this for myself and in case anyone else sees this. I wasn't planning on showing anyone specifically while I was writing it, but I decided I might end up showing someone specifically <i>after</i> I finished writing it, so I wanted to clear a little bit up for all of us.<br><br> Uuuuugghhhhhh now I'm overthinking everything.. Maybe I won't show them? I just don't want them to be reading it and go "oh, theres more!" and then it be me talking about my feelings for other people. Like, I do think they'd understand, because this is kinda where I go when I want to say alot about my feelings but don't know where else ot go with them (other than my notebook), but it still feels icky. Like, I wouldn't want them to show me what they wrote about me just to see what they wrote about other people before me. Maybe that's just a me thing, a jealousy thing specifically targetted towards significant others, an insecurity, but it still makes me feel gross. So much for clearing things up for myself.</p>
<hr>
<p>Hi, my feelings here. I know literally nobody sees this except for maybe one person, so I'm not too worried about sharing this to the public right now. I have a girlfriend. I feel yucky writing that here, with all of whats below to look back upon.. Like, I'm literally talking about two different people I had an interest in below this and.. It just feels yucky. But anyway, yes, I have a girlfriend. We're keeping it on the downlow for now, and I'm okay with that at the moment because it's for them. They don't want to like "aarrgAGREAHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHAHHAHA" fall into a pit of "I don't want to do this anymore" kinda thing (I think), so we're keeping it to ourselves until we're comfortable to share with everyone that we're together. I'm just writing it here because like I said, nobody comes 'round these parts, so it's fine.<br><br>
But I'm happy about it. I'm very happy I have someone to share my experiences with, and to have experiences shared with. I'll need to start understanding and accepting their experiences as well, because usually I'm always th one sharing things and just throwing verything out theree. But I genuinely want us to be... Like... BAM!!! y'know? I want us to connect, to be something special. I've known this person for a considerable amount of time now. We've been friends for roughly 7 years, and have been talking regularly for about two years now (excluding when we moved out of the trap house). I have fallen for her multiple times in that timespan if you can believe it (I bet you can), and when I confessed again this time, they confessed as well. I learned after confessing that I probably should've been flirting instead of coming out of thee blue with the "Hey! Sorry, I have feelings for you! I hope they're recipriocated, but if they're not, that's alright!!!", but, we're here now.<br><br>
I just hope things go well. I'm a worrywart when it comes to relationships now. So obsessed with the thought of being left for someone more significant than me, it's scary. Obviously I don't want to be thinking like that, at ALL, but I do. So I'm hoping that things change with her, that I prove to myself that she's worthy of forgetting those thoughts over. They deserve it. They don't need my "Are you sure you love me?"s all the time on top of the struggles they already have and go through. It's inconsiderate of me, and lowkey rude to assume they would do somnething like that in the first place, so I'd like to stop that as soon as I can. For both them, and for myself. I derserve it too.<br><br>
They're very adult-like. I think thats a large reason I'm attracted to them. It's not their fault they're like that, but they are, and it kind of makes me feel in check sometimes because I'm very, <i>VERY</i> childlike, and sometimes I need to be told to stop, or what to do, or what <i>not</i> to do, and I enjoy it. I enjoy the feeling of having an authority figure, specifically and especially one that I love. Of course that's not the only reason I love them. They've been here for me. When we started hanging out again after highschool, they were there. Everybody else had just left me when they showed up, and they stuck around. They've never shown any hatred towards me, they've always been kind, they've always been there to help me out when I needed it, they're beautiful, very put together, and strangely and specifically, <details><summary>something I don't want seen without having put any effort in.</summary> This might be a little spew of text and love and a taaad bit of lust... But they're lovehandles are something incredible man. Sometimes I catch myself accidentally looking places I probably shouldn't, and they're hips are just kinda casually pertruding like three inches farther than the rest of their body, and MAN I <i>really</i> want to grab them and hold her close. It makes me feel gross, especially with them specifically, but it's so attractive to me, I love it. This isn't a "reason" as to why I love them at all, that would be a shitty reason, but it's definitely something I think about and that I have written down as <i>noteworthy</i> in my book.</details><br> And the best part is that we've had a long platonic relationship first!! I can't tell you the first <i>or</i> last time I dated somebody I was friends with, and to be honest, it feels nice! Other than the looming thought of imminent death when they decide I'm not good enough or one of us dies (which I hope doesn't happen but god rumination is hard to deal with), it feels almost like we're not in a relationship in the first place. Which, in and of itself is a little strange now that I've said it and am thinking about it, but, there's no extra "expectations" to uphold, I think. LIke, we've already been friends for years, we both already like eachother at this point, so there's no need to constantly feel not good enough. Does that make sense? I still don't really feel good enough and have stated a few times now that I'm worried about it all in general, but the whole relationship feels more natural in a way if that makes sense. I don't know exactly...<br><br>
I like the way they're direct with what they'd like me to do, like, they don't beat around the bush. Actually, I don't know if anyone does other than me. I beat around the bush sometimes because I'm terrified of confrontation, or being told no. If I think I'm going to be told no, I struggle to ask the question for a very long time, or if there are other people around. Unless I don't care if they say no, then I just ask and assume a no and I'm fine. But... <details><summary>I like the way they're direct with me...</summary> I'm not sure why, but when they tell me to do something, or do something for <i>them</i>, it makes me feel needed maybe? Like I'm very happy to be doing this thing for this person that I love, and, man, I don't know. It's difficult to explain because I don't even understand it in my own head, I just know I like it. And not to be gross, but sometimes I go off into fantasy land about doing <i>those</i> kinds of things with her while she's being super direct and telling me exactly what she wants and how she wants it, and it definitely turns me on a tad. I recently found out what bdsm is actually like through media, and its very EXACTLY how I feel about the whole "doing what I'm told" thing. Sorry..</details><br>
I find them very, very cute. They're cute little face is adorable, I love their smile, the way they give me <i>that</i> look. Not THAT look, the "are you sure about that?" kinda look. IT'S ADORABLE!! <br><br>
We hold hands in the car when we're in the back seat together when our friends are in the front. When we're tired (and also still in the vehicle) we lean eachothers heads on one another. One time I even got to kinda cuddle with them a bit when I was trying to take a nap and the couch wasn't exactly big enough for both of us to be laying down. It's so cute the way we're doing things. She's very not sexual, which is something I've accepted but sometimes struggle with, not because I want to ravage her (I do), but because I'm an extremely physical person. My love language is hugs and kisses and hand holding and more hugs and touching all the time, I'm very physical. Whereas she's much less so, so I'm trying to keep my boundaries in our early stages and hopefully adjust into a more comfortable zone for them, or readjust my own sense of love language / accept being less clingy. So at the stage we're at, with all the hand holding, kinda cuddling, and some hugs, I find it absolutely adorable. I can't get enough of it, yes because I want more, but also because it feels much more special, I don't know. She's awesome. She's epic. She's everything, all that, and more, and I'm happy to be the one she decided is good enough to take a chance with. And I hope I can prove to her that I'm good enough for a lifetime.<br><br>
AND THEY TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT I'M A DUMMY!! I swear I ask them the same questions every time they bring something up because I just completely forget, and they tell me seriously every time! They don't make me feel dumb, they don't make me feel like I'm a hinderance, they just answer. They keep me grounded, they can tolerate my silliness, they laugh at my stupid jokes. They're honestly a blessing. They make me really happy.
<hr>
<p>I wanted to do something to the website that I'm assuming had nothing to do with the loop pages, except now I'm stoned and listening to music and want to make more loop pages...</p>
<hr>
<p>BAM! New words being written down. I have music blaring in my ears and idfk what I wanna talk about. Actually, I have a pretty good idea of something I could write about. Has to do with the ongoing topic that I seem to come back in here to write about. But I won't. I'll save that for myself this time, I've been doing pretty damn good with it so far. Just wanted to come say that a friend of mine (at <a href="https://lvx.neocities.org">lvx</a>) mentioned that this site isn't so secret anymore, because it shows "THIS WEBSITE HAS BEN UPDATED" with this page being right front and center, so.. Yeah, Secret, not so secret. Maybe I'll come back in a month or two and write about another love interest. :shrug:</p>
<hr>
<p> Wow, I really do feel like a piece of shit. I come here to write about a beautiful girl, and then come back to write about a different beautiful girl... This really does make me feel like a terrible person. Who does that. Potentionally a lot of people, because feelings are weird and can be difficult to deal with. But that doesnt make me feel any better about myself.. This one's name is Mal. Well, technically. Thats not their real name, but I believe thats what they'd prefer to go by. Theyre also a they, too. I keep mistakingly calling them a she and I feel bad about it. But they're pretty, and theyre nice. I guess I just fall for people who treat me nicely and give me attention. Again, writing all this nakes me feel like a terrible person. I'm sorry. I guess I still have the same issue as before, I move way too fast. But to be fair, I think theyre moving at the same pace as me? So maybe its okay? I just need to keep in mind that if we DO become anything, that we should take it slow. Make an hinest effort to get to know eachother, genuinely. Mal, if you somehow end up reading this, this doesnt make my feelings any less true, or as if I was lying to you. I'm honest with my words and I do like you, I just feel like an ass for liking people one after another. This doesnt mean that my feelings wont last. The only way nothing would continue from here is if you move onto another man...
<hr>
<p>I met this beautiful girl a couple weeks ago. She's absolutely fantastic. My only problem is that I'm already moving too fast. I already want to be in a relationship with this woman. I mean, I also don't, but I do more than I don't. I want to get to know this person. Deeper than my past instant-hookups. She's wonderful. I guess I've said that about all of my past love interests too. "She's different", yeah, okay. Not that she isn't, but I don't want to sound like 'that guy', y'know? To anyone else I've just found another girl I'm gonna waste my time with. To me, I've found my wife. Stupid stuff really. But I really like this girl. the way she looks, the way she acts, the way she talks, the way she smiles, the way she smells. All of it. Love is a crazy thing. </p>
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